The 5 Kinds of Valentine's Lovers

A Stage

Love's a stage we all go through at one point or another. Some of us are always ready for fame while others are are always nervous wrecks. Our time during the love stage can be a big break or a big flop. 

Now, while the stage is the same for all, no two lovers ever play it the same way. Love... is subjective and varies from person to person, place to place, day to day.

The Single Lover

You are single, you are alone... so desperately, utterly alone. The world makes you feel like you can only be happy as part of a pair. Sometimes you believe it and when you do, it sucks. The times you don't, you realize that being single is all kinds of awesome. It means Valentine's is all about YOU and no one else. There are endless options on how to make yourself happy and absolutely no pressure on how to do it.

Do: Stay in. Go out. Keep it casual. Party your ass off. Do whatever the hell you want!

Don't: Cry yourself to sleep and pray for Cupid to find you a love of your own.

The Indiscriminate Lover

You love love with lots of people. You have such a big... heart, why not share it with as many people as you can? You don't want anything serious right now except a serious amount of sex. Others envy your way of life even as they criticize it.

All you need this Valentine's Day is some kind of birth control (or all of it), lube, a willing participant and an uninhibited sense of adventure.

Do: Feel free to cruise some dating apps, troll the bars or call your favorite dateline to get the festivities going.

Don't: Call up your exes and prey on their potential singlehood.

The Some Kind of Lover

Even the wildest kind of hedonism gets old after a while (or so we hear). When it does, it's time to think about finding the right person to think about maybe getting serious with. You've probably already got your eye on someone and you hope they've got their eye on you. 

You're thinking Valentine's is the perfect time to show them just how much you dig them, go all out with the razzle dazzle... and you'd be DEAD WRONG. Dear sweet Jesus, do not razzle their dazzle if you just started dating (anything less than a year). Be romantic, but be cool. Doing too much, too soon is intimidating.

Do: Stay in and make yourselves dinner. Get to know each other better and cocoon yourselves from the rest of the world for a while.

Don't: Try and do the traditional night out. Seeing other people puts pressure on your own thing and may push you to do something you're not ready for (Vegas wedding).

The Loving You Lover

Whether you're in an exclusive relationship, engaged or married: you've got your one and only. You lucky s.o.b. This is what Valentine's is all about and you are going to do it up right! There's no limit to your love (super cheesy and I am sorry) and no limit to the ways you can express it. So, get a babysitter, get a hotel room and let loose the dogs of love!

Even if you've done it all before, you haven't. You can do something you've never tried. You can relive those first dates. You can role-play and fall in love all over again. You can do it all!

Do: Make it all about the love, baby. Show the person why they are so special and why they are your only Valentine.

Don't: Phone it in. If you do, there's something wrong here.

The Love is Gone Lover

You've known it was over long before Valentine's reared it's ugly head. It's over, but you're either not hearless or not brave enough to end it before this love fueled holiday. You're not the only ones, but you will have to wallow in your sea of misery alone.

Put yourself through the motions and half-ass it all the way. Do the whole dining out thing because you can't stand the thought of being alone together. Drink. A lot. Avoid investing even more time and effort into a relationship that's been done for months. 

Do: The bare minimum. Stupid flowers. Stupid dinner. Stupid sex.

Don't: Try to make it work one last time. Valentine's can't fix this mess.

Tailor-Made

Love is. It's one of a kind each and every time. It may be there before you realize it. It may be just the beginning of something more. It may be something that you can't possibly live without. It may be the end of something you once had (and OMG why are you still here?!). Whatever it may be, love is all that matters come February 14th so...

Happy Valentine's Day!